The Dark Side: John’s Reflections

I exercise every day for at least 30 minutes, except on the days when I skip or cut my workout short. I always avoid sweets and alcohol except on the days when I say screw it and indulge in moderation. I feel satisfied and grateful for my success, except when I feel insecure and needy for external validation. Who the hell am I?

If you have ever tracked what you do, you will come face to face with your inconsistencies and hypocrisies. We don’t always do what we say we want to do. We sometimes do what we say we won’t do. And we commonly lie to ourselves about what we do and don’t do. We tell ourselves stories.

If you doubt that you lie to yourself, or believe that you don’t have blind spots regarding your actual behaviors, just check your cell phone usage.

Honest reflection (or tracking what you do) leads to self-awareness of a dark side, or a shadow self, as Carl Jung called it. He defined the shadow as the person you’d rather not be.

By that definition, I have a shadow because I’d rather not be a cookie eater, an exercise skipper, or a needy person seeking validation. I’d rather not lose my temper, be impatient, or feel defensive. I revere the trait of inner peace, but I’m not always peaceful.

And for these reasons, I recently studied the book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers to gain clarity.

The Dark Side of the Light Chasers

Truth be told, this book was irritating at times, but still worth the effort. It was annoying due to the author’s certainty about things of which a wise person cannot be absolutely certain.

For example, the holographic theory is a New Age concept repeated often and spoken as gospel truth throughout the book. The author also seems to be sure that several people had cancer due to their darker emotions. Later in life, the same author stated in an Oprah interview that she “learned humility” during her own battle with cancer. She eventually died from cancer, but her end doesn’t discount the gold in this book.

The Gold in the Book

“The gold is in the darkness,” Jung once wrote. What does that mean exactly? And why do we need to better understand ourselves, especially this dark side that seems to be a part of ourselves that we’d rather not be? How is this helpful?

A practical takeaway for me was to realize that within me lives a subpersonality that I now call Drunk Dumbass. As I said earlier, I don’t drink. But I have drunk in the past. I was the social coordinator of a fraternity. And even though I “graduated” and moved on to an adult existence, the urge to drink has never quite left me. After years of total abstinence, at times I’d like a drink.

Even after assembling a quote book on the benefits of not drinking, The Power of Dry, I sometimes want a glass of wine to enhance joy or alleviate pain.

After reading this book on the dark side, however, I find the whole weird drinking temptation to be more acceptable. I have identified it, named it, and integrated the infrequent urge to drink into my understanding of self.

Following the step-by-step instructions in the book, I now see it like this:

Within me lives this guy, Drunk Dumbass, and recognizing the pathetic bastard gives me a sense of relief. I needed to shine a light on my shadow, make this dark trait more conscious, and then integrate it into my understanding. I can accept it without hating it; I can laugh at it without hating myself for having the tendency. This is helpful for me.

Awareness of the Dark Side

The book lists many practical methods to “unconceal” our shadow aspects. The most interesting, in my opinion, is the phenomenon of projection.

Projection is our tendency to see in others the dark traits buried within ourselves. More specifically, we can find our own negative traits by identifying the negative traits in others that affect us.

Read that last sentence again. It is essential.

For example, I may notice many people wasting time by staring into cell phones. I notice this waste of time, but I’m not affected by it. I’m not affected because I use my time well. If I were more affected by others watching TV or staring at cell phones, I’d need to dig deeper into self-awareness to uncover my own mindless time-wasting.

Getting back to my own dark issues, let’s look at what really affects me.

What Affects Me Most in Others?

I tend to judge people who don’t work hard and then make excuses for poor results without taking accountability. If I’m affected by this trait in others, maybe it exists in me. After some soul-searching, I’m guilty. I now call this trait Easy Eddie. He exists in me and wants to do well in triathlons but then punks out in hard exercise routines.

I tend to notice and be affected by needy people. It bothers me that they won’t do the inner work to be more secure and independent. This is the Needy Nedly in me, the small guy who seeks external validation. He is the vulnerable guy who wants great book reviews and agonizes over a rude comment that is unflattering.

I tend to feel condescending toward people who eat what they like with no regard for health. They only care about taste, like little babies, and spit out healthy food if it doesn’t taste great. Hmmm. Well, I don’t always stick to my strict diet. This is the F—-k it Freto in me. He’s the guy who chooses a low-carb diet but then hits the Dairy Queen drive-through for no good reason on a Tuesday afternoon.

The list grows as I think about myself more honestly. We all have subpersonalities that lead to our inconsistencies and hypocrisies. We can hate ourselves for these flaws, or we can accept that we are a mixed bag of good and bad traits, light and dark traits, and strong and weak traits. We can accept our imperfections and integrate them into our lives once we see their gifts.

Integration of the Dark Side

I would prefer not to have my flawed traits, and I’m committed to working on them, but this book tells me that integrating these traits into my understanding of myself is a key aspect of mental health. What then is the gift of negative traits?

It can be hard to see how some of these dark traits serve us. But if we dig for the truth, maybe we can find it. I’ll use my own shadow to illustrate this truth.

Easy Eddie. This is the me who chooses comfort. I don’t like skipping workouts, but without this trait I could easily drive myself into the ground as a workaholic. My comfort-seeker gives me rest in life. He lets me take my foot off the gas.

Needy Nedly. This is the me who cares too much about what people think. This part of me causes my best effort. He pushes me to try hard, albeit due to my fear of criticism and public failure.

Pissed Pete. This is the me who can get angry and enraged at times. I don’t like how this guy causes me to lose control of my mouth, but he’s been my fiercest protector. This fellow has helped me many times in the tough business of real estate.

F—k it Freto. This is my inner quitter, the part of me who says, “Enough is enough, and I’m done.” This persona has allowed me to quit projects wisely and cut bait when a project is failing. Freto helps me accept sunk costs and choose wisely.

The bottom line is that our dark traits can be good for us. They’re surely not all bad.

So What About Our Light Side?

Doing this shadow work is revealing, but it doesn’t discount the fact that we also all have very positive traits.

I’m a light chaser. I focus on the light, the positive, the optimistic mindset. I gravitate to positivity, faith, purpose, expectancy, grit, discipline, hope, and ambition. I believe that human beings are all special, loved by God, and born into existence for specific reasons.

So why take the trouble to uncover, name, and integrate the dark side of “who I am” into my consciousness?

You could say nothing really changes with this inner knowledge. Or you could say everything changes by knowing ourselves better. Maybe self-understanding actually leads to self-appreciation. Maybe it leads to self-compassion. Maybe it leads to peace.

We all want a lot of things in life, of course, but without inner peace, all of the other things in life seem empty.

And, in the end, maybe that’s a good reason to read the book.

 

John